3 month update

So yeah, it's been nearly 3 months since my interview and bail, so I'd like to talk a little about what's happened since then and what I'm doing to keep myself moving forward.

When I look back and compare how I felt then to how I feel now, it's absolutely night and day. I was scared, disgusted with myself, consumed by guilt, and genuinely at rock bottom. I'm not sure I've ever felt quite like that before. I've struggled with my mental health for most of my adult life, and nothing has come close to those feelings. I honestly thought it was over. It took about a week for me to stop hiding and start facing this head on, and that's very much down to my partner. She was absolutely brilliant in helping me regain focus and begin the recovery process. It started with some very honest conversations between us, and blimey, that was seriously needed. Not going to lie, they were tough, but in hindsight they were such a help. Sharing this journey with your best friend is something I'll forever be grateful for and in debt to her. I know it's not an option for everyone, but talking is, and that’s so important here.

The next step was Safer Lives. Honestly, it wasn't me who made the first call — it was my partner, and I'm so glad she did. I spoke to a therapist who ended up becoming my Safer Lives counsellor, and he was just so kind on the phone. He understood what I was feeling, what I was going through, and he made me feel like an actual human being. I can't thank him enough for how helpful those sessions were, and how genuinely listened to I felt. This step I'd recommend to everyone in a heartbeat. It's so informative and really lays out ways to recover and understand what could have led you to this situation in the first place. 10/10, would recommend.

Oddly, on the same day I went to the GP for help with my deteriorating mental health. I always knew it was bad, but stupidly I never did anything about it. Had I actually addressed it sooner, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, hey? The GP I saw was very kind, and really listened to how I was feeling and to my past struggles. It was hard to talk about, but I knew it was for the best. Although she doesn't know about my current situation, she was just so helpful, and after an initial consultation I was prescribed Sertraline and Promethazine, for depression and anxiety. I was a bit unsure about taking these, since I've never really been on medication — maybe the odd antibiotic here and there — but they've honestly been really good. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally, and it's not like you forget what's happened or stop thinking about the future, but the medication settles my thoughts and helps me stay more present, which isn't something I naturally do, so that's a huge change for me.

I'm currently going through therapy with a StopSO counsellor, which again has been, and continues to be, so wonderful. I never thought that talking could not only help with the situation but actually change my life. I think more positively, there's a little pep in my step these days, and it's been such a game changer for my relationship, too — honestly, better than ever. I've found it so welcoming, and just talking to someone who truly understands what you're experiencing is something I don't think can ever be replaced. I know it's quite expensive, so it's not accessible to everyone, but if you're reading this and umming and ahing about whether to start therapy, just try it. Just try one session. If it's not for you, there are other avenues to explore, but I'd bet you'll be back for more, wanting session after session after session. For me, it's in the top ten most important things I've ever done in my life.

What about books? Well, I'm not a great reader at all. I find I can manage about 5 pages before instantly losing focus. It's terribly annoying, but I like to think I'm slowly improving. The one book I'd highly recommend as a starter is The Chimp Paradox. I'd never really thought much about the brain before, how it works or why we do certain things — I was always more physics than biology. This book has really opened my mind, though. Thinking of the brain as having a human, chimp, and computer part (among others) has changed how I approach problems, not just in this situation but in everyday life too. It offers techniques that make you pause and consider what you're actually thinking before you act, and it's not even a two-minute process anymore — I often find myself doing these techniques in a matter of seconds now, which is such a useful tool.

So what now? Well, I'm due back for my bail soon, but everyone tells me it'll likely be pushed back another 3–6–9–12 months. I find that really hard to accept, but it is what it is. There's nothing I can do about it — it's all out of my hands — but I can do better. I can improve my situation, get better at coping, and keep learning and understanding. I know it's strange, but I do feel positive, and that's genuinely the first time I've been able to say that. Whatever happens, happens. I just know things will get better.